I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Director: Chris Sivertson

Writer: Jeff Hammond

Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Neil McDonough, Julia Ormond, Brian Geraghty

Whenever I watch this movie with my friends (yes, we have sat through the entire film on multiple occasions), we always end up yelling at the screen “blue is not a theme!” This film is filled with blue things. And strippers. And not much else except the stupidest storyline ever.

Without giving too much of the terrible plot away, Lindsay plays Aubrey, an intelligent school girl who likes blue things and has no inclination to strip. She gets kidnapped, loses limbs, and turns up half dead on the side of the road. When she wakes up in hospital she insists that she is not Aubrey, and is in fact Dakota, who likes red things and strips frequently.

And so the ‘mystery’ begins.

As you can see the filmmakers don’t want us to get confused so all you need to remember is Aubrey = blue, Dakota = red. I know it’s complicated. Try to keep up.

This movie is hilarious from the badly acted start to the woefully acted end.

Internet nerds (like me) will get a kick from seeing Jessica Rose (aka lonelygirl15) in her first real acting role after lonelygirl ended. She plays one of Aubrey’s friends, and she’s terrible. As is everyone in this film.

This movie was the beginning of the end for Lindsay, and watching it explains why perfectly. You only have to see her flapping around against a stripper pole in a ‘sexy’ scene to see the effects of drugs on her body and in her face. It would make a great public service announcement.

Highlight: There are just so many brilliant moments, but my favourite is definitely Lindsays’s battery-powered fake leg running out of batteries as she’s trying to escape the killer. Tremendously bad viewing.

Further viewing: I’m not a massive horror fan, so I can’t really suggest any other terrible horror films. Lucky for you, I am a massive Lohan fan, so go enjoy Labor Pains (2009), which is just as bad as IKWKM but in the comedy genre, and for an insight into the crazy behind Lindsay, check out the reality show Living Lohan (2008), which follows the daily life of Lindsay’s mum and younger siblings.